And Here I Thought I Wanted To Abandon My Son

So about a month and a half ago I had an opportunity to go out of town and attend a week long seminar for a masters class I'm taking this semester. While I wasn't necessarily looking forward to a rigorous week long master's degree boot camp, I was excited to take a week off of work. And selfishly I was looking forward to a week off from being a dad. You see, my wife had to work that week, and the class was out of state so her and littleman would stay at home. I excitedly packed up my Xbox One and the Blu-ray extended edition of the Star Wars series thinking about the great fun I would have reliving my bachelor days of "nerding out" and losing myself in alternate universes. As soon as I got to the apartment I was staying at I hurriedly unpacked and plugged in my Xbox, set the blu-rays out and exhaled a sigh of victory. And approximately the very next millisecond felt awful as I realized I missed my little boy. And here I thought I wanted to abandon son...

(pure joy)

I've talked about my littleman and the challenges that we face because of the fact we're first time parents and because, well frankly, he's a pain in the butt-ocks (said in a Forest Gump voice). Whether it was the reflux and throwing up, waking up every hour and a half to two hours (which he still does :/), constantly wanting to be held, tantrums at not being able to do what he wants, and so on. The recent fun and something I'll be talking about in the next post is the teething and the starting to walk...yeah, that's right, things are getting real at the Adams house. Needless to say long nights, longer days, fatigue, frustration, and overall weakening resolve to not leave him in the woods for the wolves to raise all play in to wanting to take a break.

We all want breaks from our kids. I think if you'v been a parent for at least 20 minutes you've experienced the desire to take a break. That is especially compounded every additional 20 minutes of parenting added thereafter. I've talked about selfishness in previous blog posts, and while selfishness certainly plays a part here, that is not the only element at play. We all deserve a break, a moment to pee uninterrupted, to sleep more than an hour at a time (which I'm convinced my wife has still yet to do...I love you honey!) But let me tell you as someone who recently had a week away from his little boy for the first time. It sucks. Sure the first time you eat a warm meal that hasn't gotten cold because you and the wifey takes turns wrangling junior from play with the salt and pepper shakers its amazing. But things rapidly go down hill. While I was away I couldn't figure out why I couldn't really enjoy myself. I mean the obvious thing is I miss him, but it was more than just the thought of missing the little guy. I think I figured it out days later though.

(Look at them. plotting their escape and the havoc that will ensue)

They've become such a part of our lives that there's no going back. That's it! Sure you would miss them, but it's more than that. I've spent the last 8 months to make the most rude, selfish, annoying house guest welcome in my home and now he's so ingrained in our home, in our family, that it just wouldn't be our family without him. All of that effort, that sweat equity adds up to a pretty strong bond. Oh, don't get me wrong he's still a pain and I still wish I had more time to myself, but he's pretty awesome too. His crying, as amazing loud as it is, doesn't bother me like it used to, the nights where mom's at work and its just us two aren't nearly as bad as they used to be. It's amazing what the human body can adapt to. He's becoming this little person and I get to daily see the transformation. I may be one bad dad for wanting to have left my kid for a week, but I bet I'm not the only one out there. The thing that matters is that the bond is made and nothing is going to steal me away from that beautiful blob that's changing every day.
 

(My littleman's first swing at the park)

My Son Made Me Cry At The End Of Finding Nemo

My son made me cry at the end of Finding Nemo. Well, maybe he really didn't do anything and was actually asleep for the last forty five minutes of the film, but still, he's guilty somehow. For those of you who were living under a rock in 2003, Disney's Pixar Studios released another instant classic about a not so funny clown fish named Marlin and his adventures to save his son Nemo who was captured by a human scuba diver from 42 Wallaby Lane Sydney. This adventure takes him all over the ocean, meeting and surviving run ins with all sorts of interesting sea creatures, over coming insurmountable obstacles, and growing as an individual to eventually **spoiler alert** save the day and be reunited with a renewed love and understanding of what it is to be a father and friend. This emotional roller coaster of fun, excitement, and love has always been a favorite of mine. And until I watched it the other night for the first time with my baby cuddled up next to me, I actually thought the movie was all about Nemo. 

Littleman loved the bright colors, funny voices, and the quick paced action, and sure he fell asleep half way through, but I mean come on...I'm already half way in. It'd be rude to my man Walt and "Mr. Pixar" if I didn't finish watching their quality film. I always had watched the film from the son, Nemo's perspective. It was natural for me. I'd like to think I have a great relationship with my father. I have a great relationship with my mother too, but that'll be a conversation when me and the littleman watch Bambi or some other such mother and son movie. But I digress...love you mom! So I love my dad, and for me, especially still living at home and just having gone to high school when the movie first came out, it was natural for me, as with most movies, songs, stories, or any other media to assume the role with which I was most familiar, the son. I sympathized with Nemo, having a father who was loving, but sometimes felt over protective and even a little untrusting of the world around him much like Marlin in the film. Watching Finding Nemo before I paid attention to Nemo's bravery, his ability to overcome obstacles on his own despite his father's worries, and his willingness to "just keep swimming" no matter what was ahead of him. But just as the movie was getting good I found myself more judgmental of little Nemo and sympathizing with his dad noticing the grand adventure and changes he was experiencing in looking for and doing anything for his son. 

 

Now after being a father for six months I was ambushed and without realizing it at first, to unknowingly watch it from the father, Marlin's perspective. Not only has my littleman changed a lot, but I saw for a moment the other night how I had changed. I am actually seeing the world in a very new and different way. I had watched this tons of times before thanks to my nephews and niece's love for it, but the movie I watched the other night was brand new. It wasn't Finding Nemo, but Finding Marlin. It's amazing how my eyes have been opened to a brand new way of looking at things, even things I thought I had already experienced the way they were meant to be experienced or learned the way they were supposed to be learned. I know it might sound stupid to look at a children's movie with such pause, but it's really awesome how much the way I viewed something as silly as a cartoon has changed since I became a dad. Granted even if I am one bad dad making mistakes along the way. So what else has changed, will change? I suppose there's always more than one lesson that can be learned from the same experience and different experiences from the same event.

And it just seems crazy... how something I've experienced before can be a brand new and completely different experience just because my wife popped out a mini me? Granted an extraordinarily handsome and intelligent mini me, I mean after all he is a mini me. Changes, so many changes. Not just in my son, or my wife, but even if just an inkling in me as well. And yes, you can call me a wuss, I did get a little misty eyed when Nemo and his father Marlin were reunited in the end. It was a beautiful conclusion to a movie that had both father and son learn to appreciate each other more than they ever had before. Sure, my kid can't walk, talk, or use a toilet just yet, but I'm excited to see what our relationship will grow into. The world is starting to look quite a bit different, and I think I like it.